I am a dog, version the second

I Am a Dog (a poem)

I am a postmodern dog
I chase invisible cars
I do not know what I would do if I caught one
or if I have ever caught one.

Let me be your postmodern dog
I will metaphorically wag my tail
(a tail I do not really have)
whenever you walk into a room.
Sometimes I will get excited
sniff your crotch
hump your leg
I am no longer speaking metaphorically
unless you do not like that sort of thing.

You may think I am a dumb dog
chasing girls up trees
and you can think the girls are real
and not be sure about the trees.

I will chase you everywhere
hoping for a treat
barking at the other dogs
marking every pole-shaped thing
You could be my postmodern girl
who knows my tricks
and makes me beg
and always has new tricks to teach
who knows I'll chase you anywhere
(unless it's you who's chasing me?)

Let me be your postmodern dog
down on all fours, panting
licking everywhere you'll let me
rolling over when you tell me
Tell me I'm a good boy please
Then tell me to stay
and when you ask "do I look fat?"
this is what I'll say:

I will bark like a dog
because I am a dog.